On Leaving Peaks and Pieces of my Heart Behind, And Lessons in Contentment

peaksOkay, okay, so perhaps it was a little ambitious and naive of me to expect that I would be able to keep up with Writing 101 during such a hectic time. I mentioned earlier this month that in the coming weeks, I’d explain why it’s been so hectic. At the time, I wasn’t quite at liberty to say because there were still some people I needed to tell in person before I broadcast it all over the internet. But now that that’s all said and done, here goes:

I am moving back to Massachusetts.

This winter was rough. I know now it wasn’t just rough for me. But at the time, I was all I was thinking about. I hinted at it in my writing, and griped about it to my friends: I was lonely. And I didn’t like it. And I didn’t even really pray about it, either to be okay with the loneliness, or to not be lonely anymore. I just sort of knew that that season in my life was about learning to be okay alone on a completely different level. But I tried to just push through it on my own instead of asking God for help or putting myself out there to be around other people more. And it didn’t work out so well.

You know the old adage, “Once I was okay without _______________, then it just came when I was least expecting it!”? You’ve heard the stories before. “Once I was finally content with being single, I met my spouse!” “Once I was okay with not having my dream job, I got offered an even better one!” So, this is one of those. But read my words carefully: this is not a formula. I am not trying to sell you something. I am not trying to tell you, “Just be okay with being single, and before you know it, your future spouse will show up!” or, “Just be okay with living in an apartment, and before you know it, you’ll have the chance to buy your dream home!” or any of the other things we set our hearts on. Because you know what? If the end goal is a spouse or a home or a job or anything else, our hearts are still set on the wrong thing.

Contentment is important. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that God wants us to be content. And there’s a whole lot wrapped up in that word, in that idea. Paul said that he learned to be content in any situation, whether he had a lot or he had a little. Because the one constant in Paul’s life? God. Like Kari Jobe croons on her new (and magnificent, if I might say) CD, “If I have You, I have everything/But without You, I have nothing.” Paul could say that he had learned contentment, whether his belly was full, or it was empty. Whether he was married or single. Whether he had his dream job or didn’t. Whether he had a mansion or a shack. Whether he drove a Ferrari or a beat-up Broncho. Those things were just that—things. They didn’t have the power to sway his contentment. Those things didn’t determine it.

You see, God isn’t some cosmic gumball machine in the sky. He’s very much concerned with the affairs of humankind. I know plenty of people who would beg to differ, considering the current state of the world in which we live. I can understand that. I don’t agree with it, but I understand. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that there is supposedly a powerful and loving God, and yet He seems to refrain from intervening in some devastating and heartbreaking situations. Why do children get cancer and die? Why do natural disasters ravage entire communities? Why do groups of people enact grave acts of terror on others? And if there is this God who can do something about all of it, why doesn’t He?

It may not seem logical when I tell you that I believe in a God who cares about the goings-on of the world He created, yet mysteriously chooses to allow some of the things He does. But I do. I believe in a God who allows the world He created to experience the effects of rebelling against Him, while simultaneously reaching down in grace to redeem that rebellious world to Himself. And I believe He cares about this little heart of mine. I believe He cares about what it sets its affections on more than giving it everything it fancies. And I believe that He knew that at this time in my life, I needed to get this contentment lesson down just a little more. That was so much more important than where I ended up or what I got in the end. But He’s behind all that, too.

It wasn’t about getting off this island or getting more friends or not being so lonely anymore. I won’t say it was like God waved a wand at me, and, “Poof!” I woke up one morning and was magically happy with my life on this island and content to stay. It was a gradual coming, and it was a choice. His grace and love and patient pursuit played a part, but He didn’t force Himself on me, or make the choice for me. It came slow, but when it did, I knew: I was content to live this life as it had been given, on this island and in this community. I was excited. I wanted to be here. I was looking forward to summer with my church family, and the new adventures awaiting us. I had become grateful, on a level I hadn’t been, for the people surrounding me. And all that’s wrapped up in contentment? Gratitude. That’s a big part of it, if not the whole of it. Being thankful for what you’ve been given. My eyes had been opened to just how much of a blessing the people surrounding me had been. Beau and Michelle, I hope you read this because I’m gonna brag on you two for a minute. These two have become my family up here. They drove over in the snow to pick me up the night I broke up with my boyfriend so I didn’t have to spend the night alone. They let me sit in their kitchen and cry and vent for hours. They let me share my heart with them, and they shared theirs with mine. They let me borrow their van on countless occasions so I’d have a way to get around on the mainland. They let me love on their kids, and let them love me. There are plenty of people I have in my life who tell me they love me, and I don’t doubt for a second that they do. These people are no exception. Even from the time that I first got up here, they’d tell me that, which I thought was strange because they hardly knew me. But I knew they were sincere.

There was a gradual awakening to all that I had taken for granted, and to the fact that I really wasn’t alone. Even in the midst of my madness, in the throes of my lowest moments, He was there. He is here. Holding me. And He had surrounded me with people who showed up and said, “You matter to us. You are loved. You’re not alone. We’re here for you.” And when I woke up to that, I was overcome with gratitude. And that just opened up all kind of space in my heart for hope for the future as I had seen it: here, on this island, with these people I had come to love, who loved me. It had happened. I had become content. And I was excited.

So when I met with a Christian financial counselor to help me sort out part of the mess I’d made this winter, moving was not on my radar. She’d asked if I’d be willing to make some radical changes, and I said I was. But I was blindsided when she suggested I move back home to save some money and thus pay off my student loans faster. Well, my parents live in an apartment complex, and without going into detail, the management will not allow my brother or I to live there. I figured that had answered the question for me: moving wasn’t an option. And I was relieved. But I told my financial counselor that I was willing to look into other options, and I was. So I did. As much as I wanted to stay and was convinced that I was going to, I knew that I hadn’t exhausted all of my options. So I sent a couple messages. One was to some friends back in Massachusetts that I knew had housed another friend of mine, who had since moved. I reached out and asked if they’d be willing to have me. They were. My parents were buying a new car. They would give me the old one. Housing: check. Transportation: check. It seemed as though things were falling into place and after much praying, I felt as though I couldn’t deny that God was leading me in this direction. I’d also reached out to the pastor of the church I left when I moved here to the island when I was exploring my options. He’d said it was “funny” I contacted him when I did; he had been thinking and praying about the children’s ministry. Well, I have years of experience and training in this area, not to mention I love kids and believe that God has gifted me with teaching. We met. He wanted to take me on as the children’s ministry director. It seemed as though God’s fingerprints were all over this entire situation, and it would be foolish to deny that. And while I would have loved for a ministry opportunity like this to present itself right after I finished college and had no idea what I was doing, I wasn’t ready.

I can’t even say I really feel like I am now. But I will say I was in a much less qualified place to serve in such a capacity when I was a bright-eyed recent college grad who thought she had the world at her fingertips. “I’m young! I’m smart! I’m capable! I’m trained! If anyone’s cut out for ministry, it’s me, God. Okay, where’s my chance?” It hadn’t come then because I was too proud. After this winter, I felt like such a wreck and totally unqualified for any such position. I was humbled. The last thing I’d do would be to seek it out on my own. But when I have those Moses moments and am tempted to think, “I can’t do this!” I remember how He’s orchestrated it all. It’s not my doing. It’s His. He’s gifted me this way. He’s given me the opportunities to be trained in this area. He’s put me in a position to be able to move back and save money, and minister in the church that I grew up in and helped shape me into a woman who tries to follow Him. And I have to say, I’m excited.

I will miss Peaks terribly. And I will miss my church family. I will miss the Boyles. I will miss Livie calling me Tammy, and then catching herself and correcting it to Tamara. I will miss baby Gigi’s toothy grin. I will miss hugs from Jojo and Mimo. I will miss my best ASL student, Brady. I will miss Nicholas always saying hi to me in the store. I will miss too many people and too many things to list. But just like the place to which I’m returning shaped me as I grew up, Peaks and my little church have played a huge part of shaping my life over the past two years. And while it hurts to say goodbye, just as I was content to stay, I am content to leave. Because the one constant is God. And I’m learning once again to set my heart on Him. Not on people, not on a place, not on a job. People are important and hold special places in my heart. This place has a piece of it, too. But neither have the whole of it. That’s reserved for God alone. That’s the aim. The rest of it is peripheral. The marriage and the job and the house may come, but even if they don’t, God is here. He is constant. And He is enough. Always enough.

Where My Soul Calls Home–clicking heels, time-and-space travel, and brainstorming meetings with not-so-strangers. (Writing 101 Day 2)

Writing 101 Day 2
Today’s assignment begins with a question: “If you could zoom through space in the speed of light, what place would you go to right now?
The assignment? Write about this place. The twist? “Organize your post around the description of a setting.”

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I close my eyes and click my proverbial heels.

I am transported through space and time to a place that is limited by neither.

I find myself upon a shore, sinking bare feet into sand while waves wash upon them. The sun is just starting to set over the oaks behind me. You walk toward me.

You and I, we make our way up the winding, narrow, boarded path to the cozy cottage that sits upon the hill, tucked behind trees whose branches make just enough space to view the shore through the bay window, the one with the bench seat littered with brightly colored pillows.

You and I, we sit in that cozy living room sipping tea. Maybe you prefer coffee. Or something cold. But I wrap my hands around ceramic and sip while you do the same with your drink of choice. We’ll sit across from one another, I with my feet curled up beneath me on the beige love seat, enveloped by more plush, oversized pillows. I’ll set my tea down on the vintage, light blue, three-legged end table next to me and hug one of those pillows, set my chin upon it. You’ll sit in the oversized chair opposite me. Maybe put your feet up on the ottoman, and maybe you set your forearms on your legs and lean forward. Books are scattered on the coffee table constructed of old pallets sitting between us, and line floor-to-ceiling shelves that enclose us in this room small enough to feel safe without being confining. But not even they could catch the attention of a bibliophile such as myself, because you and I, our eyes are locked on one another.

You and I, we have all the time in the world—because time doesn’t exist here. We’ve not lost a minute of our lifetime sitting here for what feels like hours to our time-confined bodies. We don’t look down at wrists wrapped with a banded face that tell us we’re slaves to its ticking hands: it’s time go to work, time to go to bed, time to go on to do more important things. This, you and me, right now, this is what matters.

Maybe you laugh. Maybe you cry. I likely do both. We speak, and we listen. Gold in worden form pours out from our lips and floats through the air, deposits into ears and brains, and really, hearts. We’re the rich ones. We know we’ve found what’s valuable here. We exchange stories, share dreams and fears. But I try to mostly listen, and then tell you that I understand. I understand your heart dreams big and yearns for bigger things. And that fear threatens to hold you back from those things. Then I tell you, “You can do this.” I put that pillow down and we both stand up. I walk toward you and reach my arms around your neck. We embrace. I whisper it again. “You can do this. I know you can.”

We’re ready now. We’re ready to leave this place, to return to a world where time rules. But we know. We know that even in a world where the clock tells us when to eat, when to sleep, when to work, we can carve holes into the hours that make up days to live outside of ourselves. To fulfill the dreams that were planted in our hearts, dreams to take the way we’re made and bring it to the world in a way that makes a difference. I write. Maybe you paint, and maybe you sing. Maybe you build houses, and maybe you teach. But we both know we needed this, and we’re ready to return to time. I walk with you out the screen door, into twilight, back down that path, back to the shore, and wave goodbye as waves approach my toes. I stand awhile on my own to take one last drink of this place, with its fragrant sea spray and emerging stars.

But I always come back here. This is the place I go when I’m aching for connection and difference-making. This is the place tucked into the location of my mind that hungers for more, that knows it’s made for more than thinking small and only about me. This is the place I go to when I need to be inspired, when I need to rekindle the fire that fuels the forward motion, the growing and seeking and learning I have so much more to learn still. This is the place I go, because sitting with strangers like we are kindred spirits reminds me that we are all unique. We all have been written different stories. But the common strand that runs through each of them is that we all must overcome adversity. Jesus promised His followers they’d have trouble, but to take heart. I think it’s clear this world is full of trouble, for all of us. And the part of our stories we get to write is how we tackle the trouble. Do we not tackle it at all? Do we lay down and let it wash over us, let it whisk us away to drown in a swelling sea? Or do we build a boat to ride upon it, above it? This is what inspires. This is the stuff of meetings with strangers in a cozy seashore cottage, who really aren’t strangers at all, because we all have boats to build to really live. When you sit and tell me how you’ve constructed boats in the past, this is how I know: You can do this. You’ve done it before, and now it’s a different shore with different building materials, but they are there. You can do this. And if you can do this, I can, too. Oh, and when we both need to be reminded of that? That gray-blue cottage with the white trim and porch, the one with window boxes filled with pansies and alyssum, is just a heel-click away. I’ll meet you there, where you and I steal away from time to drink some tea and do some boat-building brainstorming.

Til then.

Welcome Back, Tamara (Writing 101 Day One: Free Write, and Happy 1 Year Anniversary with WordPress to Me!)

It’s been a while again, I know. But I’ve found just the thing, I think (I hope), to get me back on track with writing consistently. WordPress has a twenty-day writing challenge called “Writing 101: Building a Blogging Habit.” That’s what I need!—to build a blogging habit. So here goes. This month is going to be pretty hectic for reasons I’ll reveal in the coming weeks, so sticking with this for the entire twenty days will be tough. But I’m up for the challenge!

Today’s prompt was to free write for twenty minutes. Today’s twist? Post the result on my blog. So, I sat on my porch and set a timer on my phone for twenty minutes. Then I set pen to paper and didn’t stop until that timer went off. Here is the result, transposed to computer screen for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

PS-Wordpress informed me when I logged in to post this that today marks the one-year anniversary of my blog, OnceLost,NowFound! Hooray!

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There is much to be done.

This month is going to be a crazy one.

But in good ways.

A crazy one, yet at the start, I take twenty minutes to sit. To sit and smell alyssum while I write, following Writer’s 101 prompt. This “course” comes at what may seem like an impromptu time, but right now, I’m welcoming it.

Life is always crazy in one way or another, right? And if this writing endeavor is to be a serious one, I need to learn to write amidst the chaos. A lot of times, in fact, chaos fuels creativity. So I welcome the fuel. And this month’s adventures will provide plenty of writing material.

Things will come to fruition that are perfectly planned—like the lesson in Sunday School yesterday (was it really just yesterday?) on the widow with the oil jars. God’s provision is right on time, but often requires humble faith and obedience on our part.

Humble faith and obedience.

That’s really what it comes down to, isn’t it? First, we must humble ourselves before God—admit we need Him, that He knows better than us. We have to believe He is good and holy and trustworthy. Then, if we trust Him, doesn’t it follow that we’ll do what He says? That He knows what He’s doing, even if we don’t? That ultimately, it’s for His good and our glory?

It should.

But it doesn’t always.

It hasn’t always in my life. But I’ve found that most of the time, my disobedience doesn’t start at the last step. It usually isn’t that I admit God knows better and that I believe He has my best interest at heart, and then simply refuse to do what He says. Oh, I’d say I believe. But really, most of my disobedience stems from my pride and/or disbelief that God really does know and want, more than I do, what’s best for me—and those around me. Because ultimately, it’s not about me. Sacrifice and surrender are painful, but to pour into others, we must be poured out. And Jesus considered such—in the worst way imaginable—to be joy. To suffer more than anyone else has suffered, in order to pour out His blood so His Spirit could be poured into us, was joy to Him. Do I think He was jumping up and down to approach Golgotha? No. The account of His agony approaching that point in the garden of Gethsemane tells us otherwise. But when He thought about the future suffering He’d face, He considered it joy to know that the Father would accept His sacrifice on behalf of sinners like you and me.

Suffering is not fun. It’s not supposed to be.

Building Frames Out of Crumbled Bricks

Any HB fans in the house?

I’m a big fan of Hannah Brencher.

I’ve never met her, but I feel like I kind of know her. She has that feel to her, because she lays it all out bare.

I may never meet her in this lifetime. But I look forward to eternity. There might not be espresso in Heaven, but I like the idea of Hannah and I, us two girls sitting across the table from one another, sipping coffee and remembering what it was like to be twenty-five and single and trying to be brave, trying to navigate through our short time on this earth alone, even though we were never really alone. It felt like it sometimes. But we were never really alone, because He had our backs all along. And even before we knew each other’s names, we had each other. We had the shared experience of awakening out of depression and braving the baring of our souls in blog form.

Did you catch that? We both, depressed. Yep, me too. Sometimes I think of Hannah as superhuman, as it being easier for her to write about depression like a thing of the past. But that’s what makes the brave all the more brave. To step up when it’s hard. And when is it ever easy to shout over cyberspace, “Depression sucker-punched me in the face”? But when we show up real, that’s when the rest of the world says, “Me too. Me too. I know your words because I’ve cried them, too.”

Depression and I have toed the line from time to time since I was fifteen—probably earlier, but that’s the first time I can remember having what might be categorized as a “depressive episode.” And I’m not proud of that fact. Many times I didn’t even put up a fight. I just laid down on that line and let the darkness wash right over me, whisper lies loud and drown out the truth. Sometimes, like most recently, it sucked me over so far that I only had a fingertip remaining on my side of the line. It never totally swallowed me whole because He was holding on all the while. I know now that you’re only as sucked in as you want to be—and He’ll let you slide, but He won’t let you go. The thing is, depression is a seductress, and she preys on the weak. Her door is open wide, but you don’t have to walk in. She’s a smooth-talker and smells of sweet perfume. The nectar from her blood-red lips drips on desert-like hearts cracked open, and oh, it sounds so good. “Go ahead, feel sorry for yourself. Eat that entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s. You deserve it. You need it.” But you fall, you indulge, and then you realize the nectar tastes sweet, but it’s really poison. And once you’ve walked in, it gets harder and harder to leave. You know now that she wasn’t trying to soothe you, protect you. She’s trying to kill you. And the same lips that dripped sweet now hiss hate: you want out now, but you believe there’s no way. She’s not made you believe anything, but she sure is convincing. And the sick thing is, she’s told you that you don’t have a choice when you are the one who is choosing to believe you will never get out. But the chains that bind you are merely paper, like Hannah said (I’ll get to that later). The weight you feel is not the unbreakable bond of the chains, but rather the burden of hopelessness. You just don’t see it. She’s a master manipulator and all she had to do was tell you there’s no way out. But there is, darlin’. There is. All you gotta do is stand up and let that weight slide right off to see it doesn’t hold you. It doesn’t hold you. The only thing keeping you there is you.

I’ve been there. And even though I’ve ripped through those paper chains, sometimes I still am tempted to look over my shoulder, waiting for the moment she’s gonna suck me back in. I’m running free now, and the grass is wet beneath my feet and refreshing to these cracked heels. But after being in that dusty basement for so long, it’s unfamiliar. And sometimes the feelings of powerlessness that accompany Depression’s seduction, even though I’ve learned by now that it’s poison, are really just a cover-up for wanting to be sucked back in because it’s safe and sickly comfortable. I’ve learned by now to recognize the poison, and there are times when I gulp it down even though I know the damage it’ll do, even when I’ve sworn the last time, “Never again. Never again.”

And I’m not proud. I don’t wear it as a badge on my sleeve like I’m better than the ones who have it all together, or at least pretend that they do, like it’s my excuse to stay down because at least I’m being “real.” Believe me, no, I can’t be proud. I can’t be proud because I wore that cloak for too long, the flashy one that cries, “Look at me! Look how good I am!”, but really, is covering up the wounds that whisper, “I’m drowning. I’m drowning. But I’m much too frightened to admit it, to ask for help, because that means letting you see, and I’m ashamed of what’s here.”

We’re never as good at pretending as we think we are.

No, I’m not proud, and I’ve given up on pretending. That doesn’t mean I won’t be tempted at times to pick back up the mask I’ve shed. But it does mean that I’m pulling back the cloak and saying, “Here. Here is my heart. It’s messy, but there is good here. No, not in me. Not in me at all. But Him in me. He’s teaching me and healing me, and I’m pulling back the cloak to let you see because I want you to be healed, too.” It means I’m ready. I’m ready to go beyond saying, “I struggle,” because we all do, and it’s easy to convince ourselves and others that the struggle is smaller than it is, that we’ve got in under control. That it’s not overtaking us. I’m ready to name the struggle. To say that I am not a victim of depression, but a victor over depression. I am still waging battle against her, and probably will until the day I die. There will be times when I have gained enormous ground and it will be tempting to think she’s dead. And there will be times when she will revive and take advantage of circumstances that put me in a vulnerable place, and it will be harder to fight the lies that attempt to suck me back in. But no weapon formed against me shall remain, and in the end, in His strength, I shall prevail.

So when you come to me and say, “I am depressed. And I don’t just mean ‘blue.’ I mean I am all out drowning in the depths of depression. And it hurts. And I don’t know the way out,” I can close my eyes and hum an “Mm-hmm.” Because I know. I know. I know what it feels like to want to die, and to feel like there’s no way out. But let me tell you, the hope is yours for the taking. You can stand. And I will be here to take you by the hand and help you up, to escort you to the hands of Hope Himself. I will be there, because even though I can’t make you stand up, make the choice for you, I know it’s a whole lot easier when there are hands waiting to help you up. Hands like Hannah’s and her lovely readers (wait for it—I’m getting to it, promise! I’ll bring this thing back around and show you why Hannah means so much to me today. Hang on). Like those of best friends and brothers and pastors and Christian counselors and doctors, the brave who are not afraid to rush into that dusty basement to bring you out.

These are the ones that are lifting me up and out this time, this time when depression sang her siren song and it sounded so good. She took one thing after another and piled them on top of each other, stood on top of those bricks built high, that I felt so small and that there was no way to escape from them toppling down and crushing me. A breakup. The long, cold, snowy winter. Health issues (likely perpetuated in part by the depression, while simultaneously adding fuel to the fire). Living completely alone for the first time, away from my family and closest friends.

At first I was tempted to scale the bricks myself, stand tall and high, show the world how I conquered them all. “Look, see? I’m doing just fine on my own,” I wanted to say. Oh, how I wanted. But I wasn’t fine at all. In my attempt to scale the bricks, they in fact tumbled, and the weight was crushing. It got hard to breathe. But in the rubble heap the Maker—and the One who is ultimately sovereign over my circumstances—showed me that each of those circumstances, each of those bricks, are just that: one brick. One thing, that on its own, does not have the power to destroy me. He’s taking me by the hand and helping me arrange the bricks in a pattern, to frame my life with. Not define, but frame. And instead of standing on the bricks, I’m standing in them. And He’s saying, “This is how I’ve chosen to frame your life right now. When people see you, they will see the circumstances that surround you, but that is peripheral. That is not the focal point. They will see you, in the middle of it all. Living. Shining my Light. Let it shine, child. Let it shine.”

Together we’re in the midst of laying the bricks down side by side.

But in the middle of the crumbling, I wrote an email to one Hannah Brencher who wrote a list of twenty-five things that I stumbled onto I-don’t-remember-how. That Hannah wrote back and asked if I’d be okay with her responding to my email on her blog, asked if I’d let my words bless others. “Um, yeah!” I may or may not have done a dance in my kitchen by myself upon reading those words. I waited patiently for that response like I needed those words to live. And they didn’t come right away. So when I saw the title of today’s post in my inbox, I didn’t think it had anything to do with me. But I clicked open and started reading, and today, she weaved words that brought blue jeans and lemonade right back to me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Then she invited readers to leave love in the comments, and they did just that. Like my own little love bundle. And they blessed me by letting me know how they were blessed. Because when you’re His, the biggest blessing can be to be a blessing, even when it comes from pain. The resulting beauty and healing is worth it.

So, here is Hannah’s response to not-so-anonymous me. I’d love to let you in on her gracious, inspiring, tear-inducing (in the best way possible—like the laughing sobs when you’re so touched and moved and ready to pick up the literal gray sweatshirt that inspired that email and cut it up into pieces and throw it away for good) response, because I think it’ll bless you, too.

And with that, with her, I’ll say, too, if you need a place to come fall apart, come find me? I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have the words that you need to live. I can’t fix you, put you back together.  But I can look you in the eye and say, “I know…I know.” Because sometimes just being known by another human being is a start. I’ll extend my hand when you’re ready to stand up, and together we can run into the arms of the One who is waiting to put us back together.

Breaking the Silence

I have been silent on the blogging front for months.

I have wanted to write from a place of having it all together. From a place of, “I followed my elimination diet perfectly and had great results and my house is squeaky clean and I never get mad and I’m totally not even a little bit struggling with living alone!” I cannot write from that place. But oh, I wanted to. And hasn’t that been my life? Desperately wanting to tell the world, “I have it all together.” Because if I don’t, I at least want to pretend like I do, present the idea that I do. If I can control that much, maybe it can make up for the fact that my life is actually, in fact, out.of.control–or at least it feels that way. But can’t let ‘em see. I fear the ugly is starting to seep through the cracks in my mask, and I’m terrified. Because I am fueled by the “need” to tell you, convince you, I have it all together. 

I don’t.

I never will.

And the thing is, my best writing has been my rawest. It’s always come from the hurting place, the healing place–the not yet fully healed, but the in-process and the not-yet-put-together and the messy and the ugly-but-He-is-making-beauty-out-of-it.

I believe that. That He is somehow going to make–is making–beauty from this ugly mess. Even if I can’t see it. Even if that belief is thin and worn and weary. It’s there. I know it’s there because it keeps coming back from the mess, back to Him, and saying, “Help me overcome my unbelief.”

I’m not ready to get real or raw enough to tell you all exactly how or with what I’m struggling. But I’m ready to write again. To say again that I’m hurting. I’m broken. I’ve done much of that breaking to myself, and I’m not proud of it. But I can’t stay in the mess and not move. I can’t keep sinking. So I call out. I call out and He reaches down. He tilts my chin and cups my face again, and I know He’s here and He’s holding me, even when I fight Him and the idea that He could possibly love me where I’m at, where I’ve gotten myself to.

I’m ready to not wait anymore, to not wait until I have it all together–because I will never get there. This I know. And I’m ready to write again, because I know it helps me not stay stuck. I’m ready to blog again and leave love all over Portland via hand-written letters (moreloveletters.com style) because if love can be true for strangers–if I can write the words that tell them they’re beautiful and made in the image of God and loved–then it must be true for me, too.

And when your face is cupped and your heart is held by the hands that formed you and the universe, when you believe that even for a moment, it gets easier to breathe and you’re not so scared about the cracks in the mask, or that it’ll fall off. Because you begin to believe that what’s behind it isn’t so ugly after all–because He has made it beautiful, and plastic shines but it don’t glow. And you were made to glow.

I could glow, too? I start to believe it slow. And starting to believe reveals Him in me, because I begin to want to reveal more than I want to conceal. This is Him in me, His doing. This letting the mess leak out because it might minister to a sister soul who, too, is scared of sacrificing her plastic face? This saying, “I am struggling, but here is how God is healing me, helping me, forgiving me”? This wanting to get it out more than the wanting to hide, the humility and humiliation of exposure more than protecting of the pride? This is Him in me, this One who lived the perfection I couldn’t, and died for my imperfection so I wouldn’t have to. This is Him in me. This I know, and the kernel that cries, “Help my unbelief!”, it grows. It grows, and I too, could glow.

And so could you.

It doesn’t take much to be brave. It can be as simple as breaking the silence. It takes belief to be brave, believing it’s worth it. It is. You might be surprised at how that first step, small as it may seem, nurtures that seedling of faith. Pretty soon, you’ll be glowing, darling.

 

The Power of Positive Thinking (Wellness Post #3)

I know, I know, you’ve seen this title a million times. But stick with me? It’ll be worth it. I’m positive. ;)

It works. This positive thinking thing? It really does work. How do I know? It worked for me this week. It helped me reach what I believe to be a breakthrough–not just in my health, but in my attitude. And by positive thinking, I don’t just mean the “believe in yourself” stuff we’re fed all the time. If I’ve had any success, it’s not come from believing in myself. I can’t do it on my own. Left to my own devices, I’m a defeated, self-pitying mess! But the power that comes from dwelling on the Truth? It transforms. And I feel as though I’ve been transformed this week.

I could label this past week a failure because–GASP!–I cheated. I had corn and beans in some soup on Saturday. I even had two cookies with sugar in them! They were organic and at least gluten-free, though. On Sunday, the day before my initial three-week elimination phase was up, I ate a piece of cheese. Granted, Monday was dairy day (which seemed to pass the test? I had symptoms, mild ones, but not any that I wasn’t already experiencing). Tonight I had a peanut butter cookie (again, gluten-free, so not so bad, right?).

I broke the rules. I didn’t stay within the confines of the diet. So I could label this past week a failure.

But I won’t.

Why?

You got it–the power of positive thinking. This is what has made the difference between success and failure for me this week. I could stay within the guidelines of the diet, like I had been, and still be weighed down by negative thinking that fueled overeating. But this week, by the grace of God, more times than not, I didn’t overindulge. I stopped and asked myself, “Am I eating this because I’m hungry, or because I’m craving?” When I was hungry, I ate. And when I knew I was simply craving, I stopped and prayed, asking God to fill me with Him instead. I meditated on Psalm 84:2 over and over and over again, until it became true, and my heart and flesh yearned for the presence of the Lord. I couldn’t get enough of Him. And I didn’t just do this with food. When I was tempted to look to things, people, approval, appearance, performance, etc. to fill me, I stopped and asked Him to remind me that those things will never satisfy, and to fill me with Him instead. He did, again and again.

This week wasn’t perfect. There were times when I regretted every coconut oil-laden rice cake that entered my mouth and ended up on my thighs, when I reaaaallly didn’t like the fact that I had gained back all the weight I lost. There were times when I felt guilty after every bite I took out of fear of it making me fat.

But I chose not to dwell on those thoughts. I chose to confess them and instead remind myself: I need to eat to live. I do NOT have to feel guilty about eating! And being ten pounds heavier than I was a couple months ago, yet healthier, is a trade I’ll take.

I have to credit this shift in thinking, at least in part, though, to the Made to Crave Online Bible study. It’s been such a source of encouragement and accountability for me. I have over 40,000 sisters joining me in this journey, and it helps to know I’m not alone. Even though our individual lives and needs and struggles are unique, we’re in this together.

I also, at the suggestion of the Bible study, reached out to a friend who’s gone before me in this struggle with food and has come out on the other side. Knowing I have someone praying steadfastly for me in the battle, and being willing to check in each week and ask how it’s going, helps immensely.

I’m hopeful. The headway I’m making, not just in my health but in my heart, inspires me to keep making strides in the right direction. To keep dwelling on the truth. And let me tell you, it feels good to not be stuck in the mire of negative thinking! Sometimes I wander back there and am tempted to get comfortable again, but I’m no longer making it my home. Because it’s not really that comfortable! It feels a whole lot better–granted, it takes hard work, but it’s worth it–to live free, to take hold of the promise of the One who’s already set me free with the truth. And I am free indeed (John 8:32, 36).

The truths in the verses below have particularly helped me practice the power of positive thinking when I find my thoughts wandering down a destructive path. I hope you’ll find them helpful as well. They’re as helpful as they are to me today because years ago I purposed to commit them to memory. Can I challenge you to do the same? The work it takes to memorize them is absolutely worth it. Being able to recall them to memory when I catch myself slipping mentally, and choose to turn toward the truth, is a huge asset.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

“Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Colossians 3:2

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ…” 2 Corinthians 10:5

(All are quoted from the English Standard Version.)

It takes determination. Determine to dwell on truth. And you’ll find yourself empowered to think positively.

Sometimes it’s okay to cry.

Sometimes it’s okay to cry when it’s 10:26pm and you’re not going to make your 10:30 bedtime. Even when you thought tonight was going to be when you get it right again, get a good night’s sleep and establish your new wake-up time of 6:30am for reals this time, instead of throwing good intentions out the window when the cell phone buzzes obnoxious to alert you it’s time to get up, and hitting snooze seventy times seven.

Sometimes it’s okay to cry when you said you weren’t going to get on facebook again tonight, and you wake up your phone to see facebook still pulled up, so you scroll a bit. You scroll a bit and you stumble upon a post by your friend who said her order of a book just shipped, and she can’t wait to read it. But not just any book. A book about a girl you barely knew who died of cancer at sixteen. And now her words are spreading life through her death. How can it be? How can He bring such beauty out of such pain? I wish there could have been another way. I wish the Earls didn’t have to lose their daughter, sister. I hardly knew her. And I sit here at 10:31 and I don’t care about bedtime anymore. And I know it’s okay to cry. I know it’s okay to cry for the moms and dads who bury their babies. And for wishing there could have been another way. And gawking at the mystery and grace that somehow, He can bring beauty and life from death. Isn’t that what He did with the death of His Son? Didn’t Jesus die so I could live? And couldn’t I, like Ann Voskamp challenges, live like I don’t know when I will die because it could be six decades from now and it could be six hours? It doesn’t dull the sting, but I think that those who know that death is imminent get the gift of knowing life is all the sweeter while we have it, all the more precious. I could live like that, too. It wouldn’t have to take a diagnosis. To stop feeling sorry for myself for all the miniscule ways things haven’t gone like I’d hoped or expected. Isn’t it funny how I’m not ashamed of my self-pity until it’s put to shame by the suffering of others? I don’t want to be so blinded by my own suffering that I’m unaware of the suffering around me. I want to be willing to set mine aside to step into that of others and share it with them. There is suffering that is deep and real and Jesus promised us it. He also promised we wouldn’t be alone in it—because He is here. But He also shoves us in the direction of others, tells us to bear up each others’ burdens, because there is power and hope in community and fellow human beings coming alongside one another and sharing tears and pain. There is healing that can come from another set of eyes peering into yours and saying, “I see you. I see your hurt. You’re not alone.” In hugs and literal shoulders to sob on and shirts soaked with snot and salt shed from the eyes. And I burn for being a place of invitation for sufferers to come. To come and cry and I can’t promise answers, but I know the way to the One who has them. I can let you place your head in my lap while I stroke your hair, can offer you a cup of tea and rub your back while you breathe between the sobs, and give you a place to just let it out. Just let it out.

Literally. You can come stay with me. I have a futon.

Or figuratively. Tamaradoyle7@gmail.com. You can visit me there and share your story and I will read. And I will listen. And I won’t try to fix it for you. But I’ll tell you about who can. I know He can because He has, and He’s done it for me. I’ve crawled to heaven’s throne and climbed into my Father’s lap and cried those tears, wiped my snotty nose on the robe of the King, because the Creator and God of the Universe has invited me to do so. He invites you to do so, too. Can you imagine? Jesus stooping to earth and becoming dust to offer us dustlings a place at the throne of grace. We can go together, you and me. I’ll cry with you too and be another voice that tells Him how much it hurts and ask on your behalf that He heal you. That He give you grace and strength to walk through the suffering, see the beauty that can be brought out of even this. He doesn’t promise easy and He doesn’t promise we’ll get what we want, even if what we want seems like the noblest of desires—but He promises peace and His presence for each of His children.
Maybe you’re not one of them—yet, dare I say? Because I desperately want you to know Him, too. And I’d love nothing more than to point you to the One who can save your soul and set you free and soothe your heart in the midst of suffering.

 

It’s an hour past my bedtime. I’ve lost an hour of sleep, but thanks to a sixteen-year-old girl who didn’t want her story to stop speaking after she stopped living, I’ve gained a fresh dose of compassion and a burning desire to help hurting hearts. So if you’re hurting, come visit me? Here on Peaks Island, or over at my inbox? I want to see your face. I want to hear your voice. I want to step outside of myself and step into your hurt. I want to be reminded that suffering is so much larger than the smallness of mine, and I want to help you. We can go to the throne of grace in our time of need and find healing together.

 

Tasting and Trusting Again

I spoke of tears of trust. And there was a time of true trust, of hands raised in praise—not balled into fists and thrust at the sky in anger, in distrust.

And then distress of a different kind came, and I allowed it to usher in the distrust. Those fingers once spread wide in worship, held up to the One who held my world, curled inward and shook upward at the One who still held it all. Tears cam again, but not of trust; rather, like that of a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. I let disbelief settle in—disbelief that He still had my best interest at heart. He had guided and led, but I was still responsible for the choices I made that brought me to the place I was, and still I audaciously accused, “How could You? How could You let this happen? Again? How could You leave me here all alone?”

But I’m not alone. I never was. And sometimes we have to feel a little lonely to learn we’re never really alone.

In my loneliness, He reminds me: He is here. Always. I am held. Always.

Slowly, the fingers are unfurling. Sometimes they find themselves starting to curl inward again. I constantly face the choice to release the fists and lay these hands open, palms up, ready to receive whatever He gives—or to use them to offer up what He requires. In surrender. In sacrifice. Oh, it’s painful sometimes. My heart and flesh so long sometimes to hold onto what I think will satisfy. But I’m finding it’s always only Him: “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh cry out for the living God.” Psalm 84:2, NIV. And the more I open up to Him, offer to Him, receive of Him, the more I want to. Because once again I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8), and He satisfies like nothing else will.

I’m learning to catch myself when I start to take my fill of other things I’m tempted to think will satisfy me. And when I fail and fall, He’s right there to catch me and say, “Remember, I’m here. And I’m the One you really want.”

I’m learning to crave God. And I’m finding that I’m satisfied by Him and yet craving Him all the more, all at the same time. Only He can do that. Only He can fully fill me and leave me hungering after more, only to keep filling. His supply never ceases. The ice cream carton empties, and at the end of the day when there are no eyes on me, the well of approval dries up again. Not so with God. He dotes on me and delights in me and lavishes His love on me, His chosen child (1 John 3:1).

The same is true for each and every one of His children.

If You’ve trusted in His Son, then child of God, you are loved by Him. Maybe you’re like me and have struggled with believing that. Let it sink in. Let Him love on you. Let Him fill you and replace your hunger for lesser things.

Oh, taste and see that He is good.

Trust Him.

Failure? (Wellness Post #2)

Week two of the elimination phase down!

Were you afraid I forgot to write last week? I didn’t. I planned to, I really did. But I kept putting it off until the end of the week, and then other responsibilities became higher priorities—that, and, I just didn’t really feel like writing. Why—because the thought of sitting down to type was too tiresome? No. Because I wanted to be able to write about what a success last week was. And I simply couldn’t do that. Because it was not a success. At least not in the way I’d like to think of it.

Following this diet is hard. The real challenge is not so much avoiding certain foods as it is the time and preparation that has to go into making all of my meals, because I’m so limited in what I can eat. To avoid eating the same things over and over again, it takes creativity, and I was just so mentally exhausted that I didn’t feel like exerting that kind of creative energy. Physically exhausted, too. A lot of the time, I just didn’t feel like cooking. So you know what I ate a lot of last week? Rice cakes. Rice cakes with coconut oil and agave syrup and salt, rice cakes with avocado and agave syrup and salt, rice cakes with ghee and jam and salt, rice cakes with coconut oil and jam and salt. A lot of stinkin’ rice cakes. Because they’re cheap and quick and carby, and, when I add things like agave syrup and jam and coconut oil, they’re sweet and fattening. And my body’s like, mmmm gimme more. So instead of cooking chicken and some veggies for lunch, I have a quick rice cake for a snack because I’m hungry, and one turns into ten in place of a meal.

Remember how I was concerned about losing weight on this diet? Not the case. Not the case at all. In fact, I’ve noticed I’m steadily gaining. That should be cause for celebration, because I lost so much and not in a healthy way. But remember how I said I was actually kind of excited about the possibility of losing more weight (sad, I know)? So the slow and steady gain is not so exciting. In fact, it’s been kind of depressing. And thus I didn’t want to write because last week was a failure. I didn’t make all the pre-planned meals that I, in fact, didn’t pre-plan; I didn’t actually make very many meals at all. I ate a lot of rice cakes. And fruit. And gained weight. And got depressed. So I ate some more. Because even though I was depressed about gaining weight, the temporary pleasure of sweet, fatty, rice cakes in my mouth seemed to take that away for a little bit—or so I thought. But not really. It ended up just making me feel worse in the long run. Worse about overindulging, and worse about the fact that I was depressed over gaining weight—because I shouldn’t be so concerned about my appearance.

As much as this week was a failure in the sense that I didn’t have three square meals a day, and didn’t earn a gold star for shining self-control, it wasn’t a waste because I learned from it. I learned a lot about what’s in my heart. And as much as I didn’t want to write about my rice cake habit, I think I was more hesitant to write because my failures exposed what’s in my heart. That’s painful to admit to myself, never mind to others.

But that’s the very thing that fuels me today, that spurs me to write. Because writing through this journey is not about the rice cakes I did or didn’t eat. It’s about helping me to process what I’m learning through it, and therefore hopefully be a blessing to you as perhaps you can learn something from what I’m learning, too. Things like:

  1. Regaining health is a process.Okay, if you thought I was an obsessive, indulgent freak, I wouldn’t blame you. Even after vowing several times that I would give up health blogs/books, I didn’t. I kept going back to them for my next high. “Aha! So THIS is what I’m doing wrong!” Or, “Okay, so I just need to tweak this, or that,” is what I’d think based on my latest reading. Even though I was seeing positive changes in my health (the eczema on my hands has almost completely disappeared! :D And for the most part, my upper abdominal discomfort has dissipated), I was still not seeing changes in other areas, and saw new symptoms arise (after a rise in energy and seeing those “episodes” of fatigue/feeling faint/dizziness/weakness/headache/twitchiness pretty much disappear the first week, the energy plummeted again and the “episodes” reappeared; I also exchanged the upper abdominal discomfort for lower abdominal discomfort and bloating, and have noticed an increase in joint pain). So, back to the health books/blogs I went to figure out where I might be going wrong. I kind of jumped on the RRARFing bandwagon (rehabilitative rest and aggressive re-feeding–you can google it if you’re curious), and gobbled up Matt Stone’s book, Eat for Heat, faster than a rice cake with coconut oil and strawberry jam. But of course, I took it to the extreme and ran with it, thus eating copious amounts of rice cakes. But I didn’t feel better. In fact, I just felt guilty. Rightly so, because I was being gluttonous. And maybe all the rice I was consuming was starting to bother my stomach. “Maybe there is something to this whole grain-free kick!” I thought. Don’t worry, I’m not there yet. But, I’m willing to give it a try eventually if all else fails and it means regaining health. Anyway, when things didn’t seem to change as fast as I thought they should, I got discouraged. I thought I was doing enough right (I was sticking to the diet and avoiding the things that aren’t allowed) to be feeling better—and I am! But I think without realizing it I was hoping for more of a quick fix, and when immediate recovery didn’t come, I got discouraged. I had to step back and remind myself, “This isn’t a quick fix. It’s not going to happen overnight.” Instead of being frustrated over not-yet changes, I can be thankful for the already-happened changes. Instead of getting down about the failures, I can ask the Lord for forgiveness, and for help to exercise self-control.
  2. Regaining health is a means; not the end.When I was frustrated over my health still not being where I think it should be, I stopped and asked myself, “Why do I want to be healthy?” I found my answer to be a rather selfish one. I didn’t like the pain and discomfort that came along with not being well. My goal was comfort. Health was the end. I just wanted an end to the stomach discomfort and the debilitating fatigue and the headaches and panic attacks and all the other nagging issues. When I realized that was my answer, I then asked myself, “Why should I strive to be healthy?” And I realized I was far from striving for the right goal. My goal is to honor God. In everything (1 Corinthians 10:31). When I’m not eating and drinking to His glory, when I’m not doing the best I can to take care of the body God had entrusted to me, I’m not honoring the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Paul says earlier in that chapter that we’re not to be mastered by anything; not even food (vv. 12-13). So I should strive to be healthy by not being mastered by food, because when I am, I’m not honoring the temple. And being healthy frees me up to have more strength and energy to minister to others in the ways that the Lord has called me to. Becoming healthy, as much as is in my power to do so, is simply a means of honoring the Lord and seeking to be the vessel He desires to use. Health itself is not my aim. In making it such, I’ve made it an idol. Again, not something I wanted to admit. But it needs to be confronted in order for it to change. So, there. I’ve said it. I’ve made my health an idol. And in realizing such, you know what else I’ve realized? I’m not entitled to good health. God’s Word makes it clear that we’re to be stewards of what He’s entrusted to us, including our bodies. But even if I’m doing absolutely everything humanly possible to become and remain healthy, I’m still not promised perfect health. I live in a fallen world. I can eat all the right things and drink the right amount of water and get the right amount of sleep, and there will still be days when I have a headache, or my stomach hurts, or I have joint pain. Those things aren’t necessarily a reflection of failure on my part to ensure health. They are simply a part of life. And God is sovereign. He could very well answer my request to be healed by zapping away every little ailment if He so chose. But in His sovereignty, He knows what will most make me dependent on Him, and show His power to the world. If illness is it, then His grace is sufficient. And like Paul, I can boast all the more gladly in my weakness, because in it Christ’s strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12).
  3. While it’s not okay to overindulge and throw self-control out the window, my weight and outer appearance do not define who I am or determine my worth.My friend was wise to warn me going into this process. Body image has been a struggle for me since I was young. Despite knowing intellectually the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, my heart actually believed that I was not beautiful. And without realizing it, most of the time my redeeming thought was, “Well, at least I’m skinny…” Yep. I’ve been there. While I struggle at times with being satisfied with the face in the mirror, by the grace of God, I’ve grown leaps and bounds in this area. However, I still grapple with the issue of finding my worth in the size and shape of my body. I liked the way I looked when I was ten pounds skinnier. I thought it made me more attractive, and I liked that. So when my overindulgence brought those ten pounds back, I allowed it to discourage me. I allowed it to discourage me because I started to fear, “What if I keep gaining?” And I was scared that a continual gain in weight would render me unattractive and thus less valuable. But to whom? Did I really think my friends and family, those who already love me, would love me less if I gained weight? No. And when it comes down to it, do I think it will mean God will love me less? No. Sure, I know when I choose to sin against Him by making unhealthy choices that I am grieving Him. But I know He doesn’t love me less. I know this, intellectually. The thing is, after eighteen years of walking with Jesus, sometimes I still struggle with believing that He loves me at all. Oh, I’d never tell you I don’t think Jesus loves me. But without my mind realizing it, my heart has believed it to be true. So that’s why I go looking for validation in other sources. I’ve essentially said, the Cross wasn’t enough to speak of my value to You, Creator of the Universe. I need to be important to people. To men. Even if it’s only that they think I’m attractive.

    Do you know how empty that’s left me? When I started to get the attention from men I craved, I thought I had gotten what I wanted. I thought it would fill me up. It didn’t. It left me feeling more empty. And here I am tempted to run back to that same source, tempted to feel depressed because I fear that gaining weight will take away the validation I find in men considering me attractive.

    Wow! I learned all that from diet failures? God is good, isn’t He? I’m glad He’s willing to take even my failures and shortcomings and use them to show me what’s in my heart. I’m glad He loves me enough to show me what’s there, not so He can throw it in my face like His enemy so often does, but to uproot it and replace it with the truth. I needed to be reminded this week that my value is determined by the fact that I am made by the hands of, and in the image of, an Almighty, Awesome, Beautiful Creator and God, who delights in me and died for me even when I didn’t deserve it. I needed to be reminded that He’s more concerned about the condition of my heart than the weight of my body. I needed to be reminded that if the attention I crave from men never comes, I am loved beyond measure by God—and even if that attention does come, it will not fill me. It will not satisfy. Looking to it to do so will only leave me feeling empty. But Christ fills to overflowing like only He can do. And wants to!

Are you with me at all? Have you ever been tempted to find validation in the attention of men—or people in general? Do you ever feel discouraged and look to food to fill that void, too? Doesn’t it just leave you feeling empty?

Well, here’s what I’m prescribing for myself this week—maybe you’ll find it helpful, too:

I’ve joined the Online Bible Study, Made to Crave, courtesy of Proverbs 31 Ministries. It’s free to sign up; you just need a copy of the book, Made to Crave. I find it fitting that it happens to be coinciding with my journey to health. God’s timing is perfect, isn’t it? Speaking of such, someone I was talking to this week suggested I read Psalm 139 each night before bed, without even knowing my body image issues. What a great suggestion—it’s one I’m taking. And when I’m tempted to overindulge, to get frustrated over the not-yet changes, to get discouraged about gaining weight and potentially losing the attention I desire, I’m going to stop and ask myself, “What is it that I’m really craving, seeking, desiring?” Whether it’s comfort or validation, it’s something I’m craving in place of God. Once I identify that, I’m going to remind myself of the only One I’ve been made to crave: God. I’m going to choose to meditate on Made to Crave’s Online Bible Study verse of the week, Psalm 84:2: “My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; y heart and flesh cry out for the living God” (NIV).

So, who’s with me? If you decide to implement some or all of these things, will you let me know how it goes?

What are some other ways you combat feelings of failure, and temptation to find comfort and validation apart from Christ? I’d love to hear your stories of success in fighting the battle. :)

When words fail, He whispers…

Words. They’re what I’m about. I use them to communicate; we all do. And when you’re aiming to communicate to an audience through writing, when you’ve set goals for yourself to accomplish such, sometimes it can feel like the pressure’s on. I wrote about that last week. But I’m reminded there’s no pressure. Just process. Progress. So can I let you in a little on how the process has been going this week? Honestly, It feels like little progress has been made. There were lots of words this week. There were things I could have, and felt like I should have, written about. But getting those words together in order to communicate what I thought they should proved to be a struggle. Then there were no words. The enemy is always on the prowl, but he seemed to be in overdrive in my life this week. There were feelings of failure and defeat and thoughts of, “How can I possibly have anything of consequence to say when I just. Can’t. Seem. To. Get. It. Together.?”
Granted, I think there’s a difference between deceiving oneself into thinking she can write and try to encourage people to do and think right, when she’s not doing so herself and has an unrepentant spirit. However, when we’re honest with the Lord about our struggles and seeking His forgiveness, I think it’s merely a tool of the enemy when we start to think we’re unworthy or have nothing to offer. We’re not and we don’t, at least not on our own. But the Lord bestows value and uses willing vessels to speak through.
So then there are these words. And right now, they’re the ones I feel most compelled to share–mostly because today I desperately needed to be reminded of them. So here’s a repost from the archives (originally posted here):

Just when I thought as though I had nothing left to give, that I had let God into the deepest recesses of my heart, I hear Him whisper, “Let me go deeper. Invite me in.”
Overwhelmed.
He loves me enough to go there? To the places I’ve let no one go, have hardly dared to go myself?
Yes.
Well, doesn’t He already know what’s there? Yes. He knows better than I do. What’s the point then of voicing it to Him, then?
“But it’s too painful to talk about, God. I don’t want to go there.”
Gently, He says, “Come, My child. Tell Me what’s there. Tell Me what hurts.”
“Why, God? You already know…”
“I want to heal you,” He says tenderly. “Let me.”
“…for I am the LORD, your Healer.” Exodus 15:26